Navigating Divorce: Holding Space for Your Child

Family Law resolutions offer opportunities to make a fresh start and improve your life. If you need help with divorce, parentage issues, child support, parenting time, or prenuptial or postnuptial agreements in Chicago, call Angela Larimer at 773-370-0600 or email Angela at angela@larimerlawllc.com.

When your child is hurting, it’s natural to want to fix it. You want to ease their pain and make things better, especially during a divorce or significant life transition. Their emotions can seem overwhelming, and yours may already feel maxed out.

But here’s the truth: Your child doesn’t need you to absorb their pain. They need you to witness it without judgment.

This process is known as holding space. It’s a skill and a gift, and it can be challenging—especially when their feelings trigger your own emotions. However, learning how to hold space without taking on their emotions is one of the most powerful things you can do as a parent.

What Does It Mean to “Hold Space”?

To hold space means being fully present with someone’s emotions without fixing, judging, or redirecting. It’s about allowing their sadness, frustration, or fear to exist without interruption. It’s as if you’re saying, “You’re allowed to feel this,” instead of “Don’t cry,” or “It’ll be fine.”

Picture it this way: You’re not diving into the storm with them—instead, you’re standing beside them, umbrella in hand, and saying, “I’m here. Let it rain.”

Kids Feel Deeply — And They Mirror You

Children don’t have the vocabulary or emotional regulation that adults do. They often express deep feelings through behavior, questions, or outbursts. You might hear things like:

• “I hate this house!”

• “I want both of you together again!”

• “This is all your fault!”

  
  

These words sting, and it can be tempting to shut them down or explain them away. However, your child doesn’t need your logic—they need your calm. Your goal isn’t to fix their feelings; it’s to let them feel safe having them.

How to Hold Space Without Absorbing the Emotion

It’s easy to absorb your child’s pain like a sponge—especially if you carry guilt, grief, or anxiety yourself. Remember, you’re not their emotional landfill; you’re their anchor. Here’s how to hold space with grace:

1. Check in with Yourself First

Before responding, take a moment to ask yourself:

• Am I reacting from fear, guilt, or hurt?

• Am I making this about me?

  
  

The calmer you are, the safer your child will feel. Your emotional regulation is crucial for their stability.

2. Name What You See—Not What You Fear

Instead of saying, “Stop yelling!”, try: “You sound really angry right now. That’s okay. I’m listening.” This approach helps them identify and process their emotions instead of suppressing them.

3. Don’t Rush to “Fix” It

It’s okay for your child to be sad. It’s okay for them to miss their other parent. Children can hold love for both parents, and you don’t have to compete for it.

4. Create Calm, Not Control

Respond with empathy, not authority. Use phrases like:

• “I understand this is hard.”

• “It’s okay to feel upset.”

• “You’re not alone.”

  
  

Holding space is about connection, not correction.

5. Have Your Own Outlet

You can’t effectively hold your child’s emotions if you’re overwhelmed by your own. Seek support through therapy, journaling, or trusted friends, allowing space for you to process your feelings, too.

The Importance of Your Presence

You don’t need perfect words or solutions; you need presence. When your child knows they can come to you exactly as they are—angry, scared, or heartbroken—and still be loved, they learn resilience. They learn safety and self-worth. And you discover that parenting isn’t about absorbing pain; it’s about holding steady amidst it.

Conclusion: Building Unshakable Trust

Divorce and transition are tough on families—there’s no sugarcoating that. However, your ability to hold space for your child's feelings while protecting your own emotional energy creates a parenting approach that builds unshakable trust.

You are not failing because your child is struggling. Simply showing up is everything. Embrace this journey, and remember that you’re not alone.